Let’s communicate with a “God-message”

Public educators often say we should teach children with the “I-message” instead of the “you-message” because you-messages put the children on the defensive and may hurt them. A you-message begins with the pronoun “you,” for example, “why do you always do this,” or “why are you always like that,” and can effectively communicate an accusatory tone, which in turn may hurt a child. On the other hand, an I-message begins with the pronoun “I,” for example, “”I feel sad when you do this,” or “I think I will be happy if you do that.” I-messages generally do not contain direct language and can effectively communicate the feelings of the person speaking, in this case a parent, rather than criticizing the child. Using I-messages may seem to be quite reasonable. However, once you try it out, you will quickly realize that neither the I-message nor the you-message are well-received by children. That is because sooner or later, your child will say, “Mom, your life is yours and my life is mine. My life is different from yours or dad’s. Please don’t be happy or sad for me and just leave me alone. You make me feel so uncomfortable!”

You may think children will listen to their parents if they open up to them, but that is easier said than done. This is because parents are unintentionally taking the wheel away from God when they use I-messages. Despite their good intentions, parents are crossing over to God’s domain and establishing their thoughts and feelings as the standards their kids should live by. No matter how kind and wise parents are, how can their ideas be as perfect as the Word of God?

Thus, although parents are the ones making commands, they must make it clear to their children that their commands come from the Word of God. Namely, you should communicate with “God-messages.” All of your standards should come from the Word, all of your feelings must be based upon Him, all of your judgments should be made under the Word, and the content of your commands as well as the method with which you make them, must come from the Word of God.

From now on, please study the Word with your children, attend worship service together, receive His message together, and praise together. Command, praise, comfort, encourage, and discipline your children based on the message you’ve heard together, the hymns you’ve sang together, and the Bible studies you’ve both been a part of. And if you do this, then surely the great blessings and grace of God will abide with you and your family.